Why Republicans Hate Obamacare

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The regulations behind the Obamacare legislation is roughly 2300 pages. That’s equivalent to three Game of Thrones books. My source on Obamacare notified me that, “Just like Game of Thrones, there is a lot of fucking, murder, and incest in those Obamacare regulations.”

Due to the length of the regulations, and the lack of dragons, very few people have actually read Obamacare. Most people just pretend like they’ve read Obamacare, to seem cool at cocktail parties. Similar to how I pretend like I’ve been invited to a cocktail party.

Listed below are the main points of Contention with Obamacare.  It’s important to note, that I did not read any of these regulations. My source read Obamacare and told me all about it at cocktail party last night.

1) Secret Obama Election Regulation

Deep in the Obamacare regulations right after pre-existing conditions there is a clause that allows Barack Obama the opportunity to serve infinite terms as President. Obama did not run for President this time around because he’s media savvy, he knows that no one will remember that he was the President in four years and will be able to run for President again. This is similar to when Vladamir “Shirt-off-Swag-on” Putin stopped being the President, no one noticed, and then he became the President for another 19 years.
2) Death Panels

The liberals lobbied very hard on a “Death Panel” platform for Obamacare. It was basically the only way the American people would accept Obamacare. Even though the liberals and their media outlet promised everyone that we would have death panels, there aren’t death panels anywhere in the regulations. This is a classic bait and switch. Similar to how Trump ran on a “Purge-Day” platform, but has not mentioned his plans for “Purge-Day” at all since he got into office.

3) Ted Cruz Weight Clause

Congress was been very open about their hatred for Ted Cruz. Former house leader John Boehner use to call Cruz “Tampon-dickshit” when he was happy with Cruz. That’s why you’ve never heard Boehner refer to Cruz as “Tampon-dickshit” because he’s never been happy with Cruz.

Which is why it is no surprise that there is a clause in Obamacare that states Cruz has to gain 30 pounds every six months that Obamacare is in effect. Most people think that Cruz has been looking  more like a bulbous-fat-fuck because he has been eating his victims. I cannot confirm that Cruz eats his victims after murdering them, but if he does, it’s due to the weight gain clause in Obamacare. It was only a year ago that he was trim, fit, and fuckable. Now he looks like he’s jealous of dad-bod. The weight gain is negatively effecting Cruz to the point where my source tells me that he will soon use a rascal scooter to navigate capital hill.

4) Regulations Conflict with Conservative Views

Conservative-republicans want to bring America back to the good old days. A big part of the good old days was discriminating against minorities and not feeling bad about it. The Obamacare regulations make discriminating against minorities far more difficult. It’s much easier to discriminate against minorities when they are too sick to vote. The difficulty has made Republican law-makers scramble to think of new and creative ways to discriminate against minorities. Which is putting a lot of unneeded pressure on the police.

My Source

You’re probably wondering “who is your source?” or “Are you just like CNN, Huffpo, and Brietbart, where you don’t site your source? Shame on you, you should hold yourself to the highest standard in journalism. Which is of course, the Infowars standard.”
Which is why I will reveal my source on this story.

My source is a guy named Ron I met at a Karaoke bar last night. To Ron, a karaoke bar is a classy version of a cocktail party. Ron was in his 50’s, had a “Cruz for President” bumper-sticker on his rascal scooter, and swore that he would stop smelling like piss if I stayed around him for long enough. He was right about the piss, so I have no reason to doubt the factual accuracy of his statements.

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