The Veterans Minimum: My Sex Life In NBA Terms

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I’m about to turn 30 in a month. Which is wonderful because I can now start my transition into the “young-old” phase of my life. Where everyone older than me thinks ” 30 is still young” and everyone younger than me thinks, “goddamn am I going to look that old when I’m 30?” The answer to that question is, if you continue to smoke meth all the time, yes, yes you will.

Recently, a young man at the age of 23 asked me what has changed about me now that I’m old as fuck.

SIDE NOTE: Ok he didn’t ask me, I was drunk and I cornered him with old man advice.

I told him that I didn’t feel old, and that the only thing that has changed is my sex game. When I was younger, I fucked the way that Russell Westbrook plays basketball. I was going for a triple double every night, I was all over the floor, diving for loose balls, playing every minute possible, I was a man on a warpath. Then I started a four year relationship.

Russell Westbrook
See that look in his eyes? It’s going down.

At the beginning of the relationship (for the first year actually) I was fuckin’ like Russ’s MVP season.

Then I started to slow down. I can’t tell you how it happened, maybe it was the fact that we moved in together. Which meant I was signing a longer term deal (three year contract to be exact) but it was like my legs went out from under me. My cardio was down, my recovery went down, one season I tried playing my way back into shape and ended up getting injured for three months. I had to face the bitter truth.

I couldn’t play like I use to. Three years into the relationship, my sex game had gone from Russell Westbrook to the 10th man in the rotation.good paul pierce Not an up-and-comer-either, a seasoned vet, who was past his prime. I looked like my former self but with an added layer of dough and significantly less hair. I no longer cared if I was starting, I actually preferred coming off the bench. I wasn’t looking to play a full game, if I played for 15-20 minutes, I was fine. I would have to take DNP’s for rest. When I was on the floor I would mostly play defense and pick my spots on the floor.

When I got a notice from management that they wouldn’t be renewing my contract I wasn’t rushing to find a new team. Which troubles me.

When I was first trying to get into the league I was desperate to play for any team. I was a journeyman who was totally fine with signing a 10 day contract. During those 10 days I worked my ass off in practice and treated my 4 minutes of playing time, like they were the last 4 minutes I would see on the court. I would have signed with the Orlando Magic of girlfriends if the opportunity arose. I like to think of these days as my Jeremy Lin on the Knicks days.

Now I’m in my final phase of my sex life. My options are to either accept a one year contract on a team with a bunch of talented youngsters. Where I play the role of wise old man. The guy who keeps the locker room together, and corners players to give them advice they don’t want to hear. The other option to take most of the regular season off, stick to work outs, and wait until March to sign with a team that’s making a title run. How do I plan on staying in shape during the off-season? That’s simple, I’ll be taking PED’s until I get caught or get signed to a team for another long term contract.


SIDE NOTE: Ok I probably fucked more like Rondo during those championship years, where I was good, but a lot of help from a good cast of people better than me made me look a whole lot better, but whatever, this is my story.


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